Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest: The Awards

The QG Gentle Readers' Choice voting is now closed and the winner is....REV KIM!

~applause, applause~

Congratulations Rev Kim! Please email me (jody dot harrington at gmail dot com) and with your mailing address and I will ship your ornament to you (and Rev Dave).

Very Honorable Mention Awards go to Presbyterian Gal and Mac, who tied for second place.

The Creative Genius Award goes to Presbyterian Gal for her ability to submit the stanzas that began and ended our unforgettable sentimental song this year. However does she do it?

The Country Music Wannabe Award goes to Mac, who managed to send in lyrics that mentioned killing pets, prison, Bubba, pardons, Momma and a train in the same stanza! We are not worthy of such talent.

The Most Prolific Lyricist Award goes to Reformed Catholic who was really on a roll this year! Save some for next year's contest, RC.

The Best British Humorist Award goes to our newest contributor, NIK, who sent her entry all the way from Scotland! Welcome, NIK, I hope you join us again next year.

The Brevity is the Soul of Wit Award goes to ceemac, who sent in two lines that inspired Reformed Catholic to finish yet another entry! Thanks for supporting the contest, ceemac.

Let's hear it for all our contestants!

~frantic applause~

May your Christmas be merry, bright and NOT sappy
And may your New Year be blessed, prosperous and happy!

Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest: Third Update

The 4th Annual Sappy Christmas Song is shaping up into quite the sentimental saga! Our heroes, Mark and Gerry now have a houseful: an abandoned dachsie dog and her new litter of puppies; a lost kitty; a shoeless needy child begging for Christmas aid for her family and their own children. Presbyterian Gal has contributed the perfect last stanza--but we're not there yet! What wonderous Christmas surprise awaits Mark and Gerry and the rest of the gang on this bitter winter night? You know what to do--put it in the comments.

~tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing~

Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"
Time to wear the suit of red
at least that's what our mall boss said
Stain resistant Santa pants
"Gimme", "Gimme" children chants
With the parents loud proclaim
"I wanna take the picture again!!!"
Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"

--Presbyterian Gal

Mark’s the Chairman of the Board;
Gerry was VP at Ford.
Now to retail quick they come.
Will the season be a bomb?
Putting stuff where all can see
For sale with trusty Master C.
Barbie, Legos stuff from Dell!
Having stuff is really swell.
Buy a watch or buy a ring--
Commerce is this season’s King!

--Mac

Santa's mall village looks so fine,
The children begin to fall in line.
To ask for what their heart's desire;
Toys and games of which they'll soon tire.
Gerry smoothes her freshly coifed hair;
Mark takes his place in Santa's chair.
Seeing in line the first little girl,
Mark thinks that he's going to hurl.
For Susie with no shoes and cough;
This morning, her parents Mark laid-off.

--Rev. Kim

Mark killed puppies, squirrels and kitties.
Into prison he was sent.
There he met his best friend, Bubba,
Who took him for his last red cent.
Oh, the woe and tragedy,
Now the Guv has set him free.
No job, so Momma’s is his flop.
But Gerry wants a home to mop.
This Santa gig is his last hope,
So on a train they can elope.

--Mac

Mark's still sitting on the chair
All these kids, its starting to wear.
Gerry ushers to and fro
Kid to mom says, "I have to go"
Mom (on line for over an hour):
"you can wait .. Look its Santa's tower"
Up on the chair little Sammy goes,
over Santa's pants, poor Sammy flows.
Mark the mops will soon be here,
Time to feed those tiny raindeer.

--Reformed Catholic

And for something new this year
they've produced some real 'rain'deer.
But the blighters are quite randy:
kiddies shocked in mall ain't dandy.
Tabloid press are all outraged,
meanwhile reindeer get engaged.
Lawsuits flying everywhere
and some kid's nicked Santa's hair.

--Nik

Sales are down, the stores lament,
Shoppers moan, my money's spent.
Mark and Gerry save their earnings
Credit card use they are spurning.
Looking toward that Christmas Day,
Spending time with family,
In the meantime Mark still sits
and kids still fuss, and cry, throw fits.
Mark the line is almost done,
Time to pack up and head for home

-Reformed Catholic

Outside the mall a dachsie dog
Thrown from a car like it was a log,
Was crying so piteously
Mark hastened to the parking lot to see.
Several people gathered round
To try to help the little hound
Mark knelt down and patted its head
He saw it was needing to be fed
"Pup, you're coming home with me,
You'll be the kids' gift under the tree."

--QG

Upon arrival that dachsie dog
Headed for a swim in the egg nog
--ceemac
Mark laughed, "least its non-alcoholic"
"better the nog, then him having colic"!
"I'm going out to the Petco store,
and get him some toys to chase and gnaw.
How about some antler's and a red nose?
The kids will love that dog's raindeer pose."
"Mark, better not forget the food,
He's already chewed your Italian shoes !!

--Reformed Catholic

Mark went off to buy dog food,
then to the mall to get some shoes.
Came back home to another surprise,
a kitten that Gerry found outside.
"Poor thing was meowing proudly,
outside the neighbor's front door, and loudly.
Neighbor said she's allergic to cats,
Temps dropping fast, he'll freeze in that.
Mark, I had to bring him in,
he'll get along fine with dachie & kin.

--Reformed Catholic

Mark then noticed the dachsie's girth,
Holy cow, soon she's going to give birth!
Must prepare for this coming litter,
How 'bout some bling, they'll really glitter!
Through the din, a knock at the door,
There stood shoeless Susie, so poor!
"Sir, can you help my family and me,
We have naught, not even a tree.
Needy children without, and puppies a'coming within;
Mark wondered, is there room at my inn?

--Rev Kim

Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest: Second Update

Welcome to our first international Sappy Christmas Song contestant--NIK! She is pursuing ordination in the Mother Church of Presbyterianism -- the Church of Scotland, and lives in Edinburgh. Her entry, below, is quite creative. Nik blogs at A Pilgrims Process.

~applause, applause!~

I couldn't resist adding a verse of my own...below.

You don't have to write a complete stanza if your Muse is not with you. You can contribute a few lines and challenge others to complete it!

And here's our second update:

~tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing~

Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"
Time to wear the suit of red
at least that's what our mall boss said
Stain resistant Santa pants
"Gimme", "Gimme" children chants
With the parents loud proclaim
"I wanna take the picture again!!!"
Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"

--Presbyterian Gal

Mark’s the Chairman of the Board;
Gerry was VP at Ford.
Now to retail quick they come.
Will the season be a bomb?
Putting stuff where all can see
For sale with trusty Master C.
Barbie, Legos stuff from Dell!
Having stuff is really swell.
Buy a watch or buy a ring--
Commerce is this season’s King!

--Mac

Santa's mall village looks so fine,
The children begin to fall in line.
To ask for what their heart's desire;
Toys and games of which they'll soon tire.
Gerry smoothes her freshly coifed hair;
Mark takes his place in Santa's chair.
Seeing in line the first little girl,
Mark thinks that he's going to hurl.
For Susie with no shoes and cough;
This morning, her parents Mark laid-off.

--Rev. Kim

Mark killed puppies, squirrels and kitties.
Into prison he was sent.
There he met his best friend, Bubba,
Who took him for his last red cent.
Oh, the woe and tragedy,
Now the Guv has set him free.
No job, so Momma’s is his flop.
But Gerry wants a home to mop.
This Santa gig is his last hope,
So on a train they can elope.

--Mac

Mark's still sitting on the chair
All these kids, its starting to wear.
Gerry ushers to and fro
Kid to mom says, "I have to go"
Mom (on line for over an hour):
"you can wait .. Look its Santa's tower"
Up on the chair little Sammy goes,
over Santa's pants, poor Sammy flows.
Mark the mops will soon be here,
Time to feed those tiny raindeer.

--Reformed Catholic

And for something new this year
they've produced some real 'rain'deer.
But the blighters are quite randy:
kiddies shocked in mall ain't dandy.
Tabloid press are all outraged,
meanwhile reindeer get engaged.
Lawsuits flying everywhere
and some kid's nicked Santa's hair.

--Nik

Sales are down, the stores lament,
Shoppers moan, my money's spent.
Mark and Gerry save their earnings
Credit card use they are spurning.
Looking toward that Christmas Day,
Spending time with family,
In the meantime Mark still sits
and kids still fuss, and cry, throw fits.
Mark the line is almost done,
Time to pack up and head for home

-Reformed Catholic

Outside the mall a dachsie dog
Thrown from a car like it was a log,
Was crying so piteously
Mark hastened to the parking lot to see.
Several people gathered round
To try to help the little hound
Mark knelt down and patted its head
He saw it was needing to be fed
"Pup, you're coming home with me,
You'll be the kids' gift under the tree."

--QG

Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest: First Update

Here's the first update of our Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest:

~tune of Hark the Herald Angels Sing~

Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"
Time to wear the suit of red
at least that's what our mall boss said
Stain resistant Santa pants
"Gimme", "Gimme" children chants
With the parents loud proclaim
"I wanna take the picture again!!!"
Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"
--Presbyterian Gal

Mark’s the Chairman of the Board;
Gerry was VP at Ford.
Now to retail quick they come.
Will the season be a bomb?
Putting stuff where all can see
For sale with trusty Master C.
Barbie, Legos stuff from Dell!
Having stuff is really swell.
Buy a watch or buy a ring--
Commerce is this season’s King!
--Mac

Santa's mall village looks so fine,
The children begin to fall in line.
To ask for what their heart's desire;
Toys and games of which they'll soon tire.
Gerry smoothes her freshly coifed hair;
Mark takes his place in Santa's chair.
Seeing in line the first little girl,
Mark thinks that he's going to hurl.
For Susie with no shoes and cough;
This morning, her parents Mark laid-off.
--Rev. Kim

Mark killed puppies, squirrels and kitties.
Into prison he was sent.
There he met his best friend, Bubba,
Who took him for his last red cent.
Oh, the woe and tragedy,
Now the Guv has set him free.
No job, so Momma’s is his flop.
But Gerry wants a home to mop.
This Santa gig is his last hope,
So on a train they can elope.
--Mac

Mark's still sitting on the chair
All these kids, its starting to wear.
Gerry ushers to and fro
Kid to mom says, "I have to go"
Mom (on line for over an hour):
"you can wait .. Look its Santa's tower"
Up on the chair little Sammy goes,
over Santa's pants, poor Sammy flows.
Mark the mops will soon be here,
Time to feed those tiny raindeer.
--Reformed Catholic

Wow! So far our song contains worry about the commercialization of Christmas; unemployed parents and sick children; animal abuse, prison, mama and a train (where's the rain?); and an incontinent toddler. Somewhere along the way Gerald morphed into Geraldine (aka/Gerry). We're not going to inquire further...just press on!

Well done, all! But I'm sure there will be MORE. Put it in the comments.

Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest: Rules and First Stanza

Welcome to QG's Fourth Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest!

~applause applause~

The contest is inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Fiction Contest and its motto: "where w.w.w. means wretched writers welcome!"

Each year my Gentle Readers are invited to contribute their own deathless lyrics in a group effort to create the sappiest, most sentimental and generally execrable Christmas Song of the year.

Here are the rules of the contest:

• QG will post a beginning stanza--this year contributed by our own Presbyterian Gal (take a bow!). If your muse is with you, add a stanza or lines of your own in the comments.

• QG will post updates as the 2009 Sappy Christmas Song evolves and you may continue adding verses in the comments.

• When, in the sole judgment of QG, the Song seems complete, or I am tired of it, the entire song will be posted and prizes will be awarded. The prizes will be inspired by the contributions--so be creative!

This year's Sappy Christmas Song will be sung to the tune of Hark, the Herald Angels Sing.

And....HERE'S THE FIRST STANZA:

Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"
Time to wear the suit of red
at least that's what our mall boss said
Stain resistant Santa pants
"Gimme", "Gimme" children chants
With the parents loud proclaim
"I wanna take the picture again!!!"
Mark and Gerald Engel sing
"Gosh almighty! It's Christmas time again"

Now it's YOUR turn! What tear-inducing tales of woe will the children tell the Engels? Who will melt down first--the Santas or the kids or the parents? Who will create a stanza that combines trains, momma, puppies, kitties, prison, rain and tragedy? Check the comments to find out...