Monday, April 03, 2006

Dog-Gone: Next Brown Thriller?

Portia is guest blogging today with her original satire of The Da Vinci Code in honor of my first class on that subject which begins Wednesday evening at our church. Portia's senior college thesis analyzed why the Roman Empire began persecuting the Christians--so she has a lot of knowledge about this period of history.
From Dan Brown's newest iconographic thriller:
Disclaimer: This is a work of my own twisted imagination and is meant to be nothing more than a satire of Dan Brown's best-selling Da Vinci Code, which I thought was absolutely horrible (apologies to those of you who enjoyed it and my pity to those of you who bought it and have yet to read it). PORTIA.
Our story to this point:
Vlad Gonzales, acclaimed professor of Judaic Studies at Yale University, and Shannon Stein, the FBI's newest (and most attractive) codebreaker, have been thrown together by fate to solve one of the world's most ancient mysteries: the whereabouts of the Ark of the Covenant.

Having discovered that her dearly-beloved -- and recently departed -- Grammy was the leader in an elite Jewish order, the Priory of Zion, which was entrusted with the duty of preserving the secrecy of the Ark's location (and its contents), Stein is on a mission to uncover Grammy's secret so that it may not die with her.

Stein and Gonzales, on the run from American and Israeli forces, seek asylum at Vlad's weathly and eccentric friend Harold Blackstone's cottage on the shores of Crete. It is here, in this Mediterranean paradise, that Stein will learn the greatest secret in history.

"You must be familiar with the Ark of the Covenant and its contents?" Vlad queried as he helped himself to his second piece of baklava.

"Of course. I may be a lapsed Jew, but I'm not hopeless. The Ark held the remains Ten Commandments Moses brought down from Mount Sinai. The Ark of Covenant resided in the Holiest of Holies in the Temple in Jersualem until its disapperance in the sixth century B.C.E. when the Temple was destroyed for the first time by the Babylonians." Shannon sighed deeply, sinking slowly into the lush couch. Being a fugitive for going on twenty-four hours was proving exhausting.

"Yes, dear, that's the standard story. Though the Ark contains not just the Ten Commandments but several other items sacred to the Jews. Above all, the Ark was a visible testament to God's protection and presence," Harold guffawed excitedly. He loved nothing more than to watch someone as they slowly discovered that what they had always thought to be true, was little more than a fable.

"You see," Vlad interrupted, "there is more in the Ark than just the remains of the Ten Commandments, the rod of Aaron, et cetera. Something even more valuable -- and even more dangerous in the wrong hands."

"You saw 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' then, too?" Shannon was in no mood for this.

"No no...inside the Ark lies the truth about the nature of the Jewish God, of Yahweh." Harold was immensely tired of having people assume that just because they were Indiana Jones' fans, they knew all about the Ark.

"Yahweh's true nature?"

"Yes, Shannon. Yahweh was canine. Inside the Ark lies the remains of a dog." Vlad paused a moment to let this idea sink in. Shannon looked dubious. Hastily, Vlad elaborated: "Well actually, not just any dog, but The Dog. The One True Dog. The Dog that led Moses out of Egypt and the Israelites into Canaan. The evidence for this is overwhelming."

"Is it?" Shannon looked to Harold, who nodded furiously and added, "Yes. Loads of evidence. Hidden in scripture, in art, everywhere."

"Shannon, you're a codebreaker, what's the anagram of 'dog?'"

"God," Shannon couldn't believe it could be true. It was just too obvious. How had she not noticed before?

Vlad smiled. "Precisely. And if you take the Hebrew "Yahweh" and read the "h's" as "n's" and the "y" as an "i" and the "w" as a "c" then you have an anagram of what?"

"Oh my God. 'Canine.'"

"Yes. This is just too big a coincidence to merely be a coincidence. But there's more. 'Rabbi' has the same root as 'rabid'..."

"But 'rabbi' is Hebrew for teacher and 'rabid' is from the Latin 'rabidus.'" Shannon looked somewhat skeptical.

"Bollocks, Shannon. They were all in on this secret. Hebrews. Romans. All of them." Harold exclaimed. He lept from his seat to go into his library. Vlad took Shannon's hand reassuringly. "Shannon, it's true. Believe us. A lot of very notable scholars from very prestigious univerisities are all in agreement on this. We have uncontrovertible proof. Provided that you are willing to suspend your disbelief for a few minutes more, Harold will happily show you when he returns."

"So Vlad, then why has this been suppressed for so long? Why would they suddenly disappear with the Ark and lie about its contents when they did?"

"Because Shannon," Vlad sighed. "Nebuchadnezzar was a cat-person."


Denis Hancock said...

This is great!

Classical Presbyterian said...

I have to protest!

This plot is a blatant plagarism of my own book of historical investigation, "Holy Ark, Holy Bark". My book is the first work to expose this siniser, worldwide plot to keep all the world 'barking up the wrong tree'.

You'll be hearing from my team of lawyers in the morning.

(In the immortal words of Dr. Evil: "Throw me a frikin' bone here, people!!")

Denis Hancock said...

You'll be hearing from my team of lawyers in the morning.

You say you're unleashing your lawyers?

Rev Dave said...

Cry, "Havoc," and let slip the dogs of war!

Or in this case, the dogs of long-winded litigation.

Or, as my car mechanic says, "Cry, 'HVAC,' and let slip the belt of A/C!"

SpookyRach said...

Oh man! This is too good! "Vlad Gonzales" cracked me up! Tell me the truth - did she really know how to spell Nebuchadnezzar or did y'all have to look it up?

Be careful which bone you throw Classical Pres. or you're liable to unintentionally part the Houston Ship Channel or something.

Classical Presbyterian said...

Yes, spookyrach, those 'mindless minions of ortho-doggy' are always after me!

(And BTW, I'm not's not my fault that the whole world is after me!)

Quotidian Grace said...

I can't believe y'all are so dogmatic.

Anonymous said...

Better than catatonic!

see-through faith said...


net said...

Portia is as good as a storyteller as her mama. Must run in the genes!

Teri said...

please tell me that in the end vlad and shannon will end up undressing each other to comfort one another after their incredibly stressful adventure of travelling around the world and nearly getting killed by PETA and the Humane Society. Without the inevitable "romantic" ending, it's just not Dan Brown. ;-)

Rev Dave said...

Portia's characters missed something, but maybe it will be in another chapter...but don't worry, I noticed it, and the implications are stunning.

If the Holy Dog is the one who led the Israelites out of Egypt into the Holy Land (the first guide dog, maybe?), does that mean we're all worshipping a canine-ite Dog after all? That all those warnings in the OT about canine-ite religion were actually a smokescreen to hide the true secret? That the ten commandments really boil down to four: sit, stay, roll over, and be a good boy?

LutheranChik said...

I read this aloud to my dog, who gave it two paws up.

Scog Blog said...

Priceless! When do we get the next instalment?

I actually did enjoy the da Vinci code - it's a great mix of thriller and comedy - though I am not sure the comedy was intentional!!

In the name of Dog - bless you!!

mibi52 said...

giggling madly at six a.m.