Third Annual Sappy Christmas Song Contest

Are you already driven crazy by "Jingle Bells"? Is "The Little Drummer Boy" playing on an endless loop in your brain? Nauseated by "The Christmas Shoes"? Does the country western carol "Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk For Christmas (I Don't Wanna See My Mama Cry)" drive you to distraction?

Take action! You know you can do better! In the spirit of the Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Competition, QG offers you the opportunity to win (virtual) prizes and internet fame by submitting the sappiest possible lyrics to complete our Sappy Christmas Song 2008 Version.

Submit your entry in the comments. I will post periodic updates of the entire song as it evolves into the sappiest, most sentimental song no one would ever want to hear.

Presbyterian Gal graciously agreed to kick off the competition by contributing the opening stanza. Our theme this year is Santa's Bailout. Thanks, PG! You're the best!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, start your keyboards---here is the first stanza. Take it away!

~Tune of O Christmas Tree (Tannenbaum)~

It’s the eleventh hour on Christmas Eve,
the north pole stars are all a’twinkle.
But Santa Claus just looks like hell
as he wishes for Rip Van Winkle.
He lost all his operating capital from
trusting CFO elves Fannie and Freddy.
Paulson turned him down with an evil sneer
Now at midnight he won’t be ready…..

UPDATE: Be sure to check out Stushie's original song in the comments to the tune of everyone's "favorite" Little Drummer Boy--it's about Hummers!

I don't think I made it clear that the idea is that commenters add verses, stanzas or refrains to the beginning stanza until the Sappy Christmas Song is completed. Now, back to the contest!

Sappy Christmas Song, The Final Version

Comments and contributions have trailed off and Presbyterian Gal submitted a good ending to our sappy Christmas song, so I'm declaring it finished. Here is our final version:

Snow was softly falling, the luminarias were lit
As she sat by the window waiting for a visit
From those she loved and missed the most
Flyin' in on Christmas Eve from the coast.

She and her puppy had donned matching Christmas sweaters.
But as the snow began falling more heavily, she wondered about the weather.

Would her loved ones safely arrive,
And then into the eggnog, treats, & presents they would dive?
Or would they get stuck in the airport, or worse, on the road.
Would melancholy silence ring throughout her abode?

Alas, she breathed a deep sigh & nibbled a piece of fudge.
While her be-sweatered best friend gave her a loving nudge.

Her cup of hot cocoa went flying straight up
when the St. Bernard Yuley knocked over her cup,
and her prosthetic leg fell down to the floor,
as she chuckled and adjusted the oxygen she wore.

She reached for her journal to jot down a thought
and stopped to admire all the gifts that she'd bought
for uncles and aunts, cousins, nephews and a niece adopted from abroad from an orphanage in Greece.

As she surveyed the hot liquid she now had to mop,
She was too good-hearted to lament that she'd to hop
while dragging the spongemop out to clean up the mess,
Her plastic leg on the ground, totally useless.

That journal could wait, though her therapist wouldn't be happy.
There were more spots to clean 'cause the house looked real crappy.
Her nieces, her uncles, and her dear sainted mama,
Wouldn't be happy with this dirty house drama.

Get out the Swiffer,
and get out the Pledge.
Clean out the dust
put a shine on that ledge.

She was hopping around,
like a dervish whirling.
While outside the snow,
was drifting and swirling.

A ring of the doorbell startled her and sent her cleaning supplies aflight,
It was too early for her loved ones to arrive on this snowy night.
Who would it be standing on her front porch;
UPS, or perhaps a long-lost love, for whom she still carried a torch?

None of the above why Ho Ho Ho of course!
It was Santa himself, belly jiggling, as he tied up his horse.
"I've come here in person," he said with a grin
"To make sure all is ready and you have plenty of gin"
"Why Santa" she said, blushing down to her toe
I'm the luckiest paraplegic that anyone could know!!

"But where are the reindeer", she asked quite perplexed,
"You know, Dancer & Prancer, Rudolph and the rest?"
"Early retirement", he said with a twinkle.
"So this year I came up with a great, brand new wrinkle".

"I got me a horse, to pull on my sled",
As she looked at the horse, it said "I am Mr. Ed !!".
This startled her so, she fell on her rear,
Which caused Santa to lean forward, "Let me help you up, my dear'.

As he made some hot toddys, and gave Ed an oat bag,
She sat dazed and confused, and not at all glad.
To see a horse, one that talks, quite tall at the shoulder
standing in her living room, bright as brass, but bolder !!

As she sipped her hot toddy, and Santa finished cleaning.
She put on some CDs, and Mr. Ed starting singing.
A nice baritone, a rich and full voice.
'O little town of Bethlehem', a very lovely choice:

"In the little town of Bethlehem, your loved ones did arrive.
In a hijacked plane they landed safe today at half-past five.
Your sainted mom and all the rest are in Christ's birth place now,
The hijackers are sorry 'cause your mom is having such a cow."

Amazed, she turned on the tv
And what to her wondering eyes did she see,
But all of her loved ones kneeling near a stall
By the light of an angel and a star the size of a medicine ball.

Reporters were hovering, the cameras were fixed
On the scene before them and reactions were mixed.
"Do you see what I see?" the anchorman said.

Then the sky opened up
and appearing right there
was an angel on crutches from on high.
She descended to earth
and spoke thusly to those gathered here:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night,
Now would someone please get me a beer!"

Sappy Christmas Song Update, II

Okay, so far the song has the following genuine sappy touches:

1. A lonely one-legged girl
2. A puppy in a Christmas sweater
3. Some OCD housekeeping
4. Santa Claus
5. Mr. Ed singing a message to our heroine about her family's delayed arrival
6. Drama! A hijacked plane
7. An angel, a star and a manger stall in Bethlehem
8. An incredulous TV anchor

Snow was softly falling, the luminarias were lit
As she sat by the window waiting for a visit
From those she loved and missed the most
Flyin' in on Christmas Eve from the coast.

She and her puppy had donned matching Christmas sweaters.
But as the snow began falling more heavily, she wondered about the weather.

Would her loved ones safely arrive,
And then into the eggnog, treats, & presents they would dive?
Or would they get stuck in the airport, or worse, on the road.
Would melancholy silence ring throughout her abode?

Alas, she breathed a deep sigh & nibbled a piece of fudge.
While her be-sweatered best friend gave her a loving nudge.

Her cup of hot cocoa went flying straight up
when the St. Bernard Yuley knocked over her cup,
and her prosthetic leg fell down to the floor,
as she chuckled and adjusted the oxygen she wore.

She reached for her journal to jot down a thought
and stopped to admire all the gifts that she'd bought
for uncles and aunts, cousins, nephews and a niece adopted from abroad from an orphanage in Greece.

As she surveyed the hot liquid she now had to mop,
She was too good-hearted to lament that she'd to hop
while dragging the spongemop out to clean up the mess,
Her plastic leg on the ground, totally useless.

That journal could wait, though her therapist wouldn't be happy.
There were more spots to clean 'cause the house looked real crappy.
Her nieces, her uncles, and her dear sainted mama,
Wouldn't be happy with this dirty house drama.

Get out the Swiffer,
and get out the Pledge.
Clean out the dust
put a shine on that ledge.

She was hopping around,
like a dervish whirling.
While outside the snow,
was drifting and swirling.

A ring of the doorbell startled her and sent her cleaning supplies aflight,
It was too early for her loved ones to arrive on this snowy night.
Who would it be standing on her front porch;
UPS, or perhaps a long-lost love, for whom she still carried a torch?

None of the above why Ho Ho Ho of course!
It was Santa himself, belly jiggling, as he tied up his horse.
"I've come here in person," he said with a grin
"To make sure all is ready and you have plenty of gin"
"Why Santa" she said, blushing down to her toe
I'm the luckiest paraplegic that anyone could know!!

"But where are the reindeer", she asked quite perplexed,
"You know, Dancer & Prancer, Rudolph and the rest?"
"Early retirement", he said with a twinkle.
"So this year I came up with a great, brand new wrinkle".

"I got me a horse, to pull on my sled",
As she looked at the horse, it said "I am Mr. Ed !!".
This startled her so, she fell on her rear,
Which caused Santa to lean forward, "Let me help you up, my dear'.

As he made some hot toddys, and gave Ed an oat bag,
She sat dazed and confused, and not at all glad.
To see a horse, one that talks, quite tall at the shoulder
standing in her living room, bright as brass, but bolder !!

As she sipped her hot toddy, and Santa finished cleaning.
She put on some CDs, and Mr. Ed starting singing.
A nice baritone, a rich and full voice.
'O little town of Bethlehem', a very lovely choice:

"In the little town of Bethlehem, your loved ones did arrive.
In a hijacked plane they landed safe today at half-past five.
Your sainted mom and all the rest are in Christ's birth place now,
The hijackers are sorry 'cause your mom is having such a cow."

Amazed, she turned on the tv
And what to her wondering eyes did she see,
But all of her loved ones kneeling near a stall
By the light of an angel and a star the size of a medicine ball.

Reporters were hovering, the cameras were fixed
On the scene before them and reactions were mixed.
"Do you see what I see?" the anchorman said.
"Or have I finally gone soft in the head?"

What happens next? Will the hijackers repent and kneel at the manger? Will Mom whack one of them on the head with a shepherd's crook? Will Mr. Ed bring Santa and his sleigh to the rescue?

Sappy Christmas Song Competition Update

Thanks to Rev. Dave, Reformed Catholic, Rev. Kim, Presbyterian Gal and Spooky Rach, we now have a truly Sappy Christmas song shaping up (see post below for the Advent Venting Song Update). Here's what we have so far:

Snow was softly falling, the luminarias were lit
As she sat by the window waiting for a visit
From those she loved and missed the most
Flyin' in on Christmas Eve from the coast.

She and her puppy had donned matching Christmas sweaters.
But as the snow began falling more heavily, she wondered about the weather.

Would her loved ones safely arrive,
And then into the eggnog, treats, & presents they would dive?
Or would they get stuck in the airport, or worse, on the road.
Would melancholy silence ring throughout her abode?

Alas, she breathed a deep sigh & nibbled a piece of fudge.
While her be-sweatered best friend gave her a loving nudge.

Her cup of hot cocoa went flying straight up
when the St. Bernard Yuley knocked over her cup,
and her prosthetic leg fell down to the floor,
as she chuckled and adjusted the oxygen she wore.

She reached for her journal to jot down a thought
and stopped to admire all the gifts that she'd bought
for uncles and aunts, cousins, nephews and a niece adopted from abroad from an orphanage in Greece.

As she surveyed the hot liquid she now had to mop,
She was too good-hearted to lament that she'd to hop
while dragging the spongemop out to clean up the mess,
Her plastic leg on the ground, totally useless.

That journal could wait, though her therapist wouldn't be happy.
There were more spots to clean 'cause the house looked real crappy.
Her nieces, her uncles, and her dear sainted mama,
Wouldn't be happy with this dirty house drama.

Get out the Swiffer,
and get out the Pledge.
Clean out the dust
put a shine on that ledge.

She was hopping around,
like a dervish whirling.
While outside the snow,
was drifting and swirling.

Are you going to leave our heroine mired in housework on Christmas Eve? I think not. Add your stanza in the comments.

Sappy Christmas Song Competition, Part Two

The Sappy Christmas Song Competition seems to be morphing into the Advent Venting Competition--which is great in its own way, but not sappy! Apparently Rev. Dave unwittingly tapped into your last nerve out there. QG is delighted to be of service to those of you who feel the need to vent your Advent frustrations in a safe place.

Rev. Dave sent me a new stanza so we can continue the Sappy Christmas Song tradition for those of you who are feeling the need to be snarky AND sappy.

So QG will host two Christmas song competitions: one devoted to Advent Venting and one devoted to sappiness. You can enter either competition by leaving your contribution in the comments--put your comments in the post below if you want to vent. Put them here if your Sappy Muse is whispering in your ear.

Each competition will be updated with separate posts. Open up those cans of corn, whip out your hankies and start writing! Here's the first stanza of the Sappy Christmas Song:

~drumroll please~

Snow was softly falling, the luminarias were lit

As she sat by the window waiting for a visit

From those she loved and missed the most

Flyin' in on Christmas Eve from the coast.

Sappy Christmas Song Update

We're off to a great start! Thanks to cpclergymama for her lyrics and our refrain, and to Shawn, Presbyterian Gal and PCIT for taking Rev. Dave's opening verse and running with it.

Christmas trees up, in the chancel,
weeks before Christmas
Snarky Pastor, Advent Nazi
Says "No carols for you!"

While all around the stores are filled
With “Jingle Bells” and “Deck the Halls”
Yet on sacred ground we dare not sound
That “Hark, the Herald Angels” song.

No Carols ‘til Christmas
What kind of church is this?
No carols ‘til Christmas
We never have any fun!

You want to sing "O Come O Come Emmanuel?"
We want Christmas, not Advent Carol Hell!
Little Timmy wants "Silent Night," please don't break his heart.
We're spoiling our son this Christmas, and you need to do your part.

And please sir,
my name is not Carol
and has never been
and if I don't get to sing at Advent
I'll commit a ghastly sin!!

No Carols ‘til Christmas
What kind of church is this?
No carols ‘til Christmas
We never have any fun!

Methinks the Advent Nazis do protest too much.
Why guard thou Christ's first coming with such ropes?
Have you ceded the field to
Lindsay, LaHaye et al
And therefore speak no
Second coming hope???

Okay, some of you are wound pretty tight over the Advent/Christmas Carol controversy. I get it. But is this sappy enough yet? Will the Snarky Pastor/Advent Nazi melt down into a sugary pool of undifferentiated liturgical practices or remain steadfast in the face of a whining congregation?

It's up to you--add your verses in the comments.

Second Annual Sappy Christmas Song Competition Kicks Off Today!

Hark the herald the angels sing
Of glory to the newborn king.
Their words are timeless and never sappy
Their tunes are classic and never rappy.

Sometimes it's hard to find their song.
It seems pop singers get it all wrong.
Here's a contest for you who wince and think "I couldn't do worse"
then look for a drink.

The Sappy Song Competition kicks off today,
I hope all of you are ready to play.

QG is back by popular demand with the Second Annual Sappy Song Competition. In the spirit of the Bulwar-Lytton Fiction Contest, you are invited to contribute your own deathless doggerell to create this year's masterpiece of sappiness. I've asked Rev. Dave of Moose Poop on the Lawn, who kicked the contest off last year, to give us a few lines to start the song off. Then you add your lyrics in the comments. I will periodically post an update of the song and you continue to add your lyrics until I declare it is finished. You can check out last year's Sappy Christmas Song here.

Think country-western twangy, or rappy, or pop ballady. Just be sure there's plenty of sentimentality and cloying sweetness. We'll need a good refrain, so if we get more than one contributed we'll take a vote to choose our favorite.

Here are the rules:

1. Add your lyrics in the comments.
2. Extra points for those who mix religious/secular methaphors.
3. Puns are allowed--but keep them clean, this is a family-friendly blog.
4. QG will award appropriate virtual prizes at the end of the competition.

~drumroll please~

And now, courtesy of Rev. Dave, are the first lines of The Sappy Christmas Song 2007:

Christmas trees up, in the chancel,
weeks before Christmas
Snarky Pastor, Advent Nazi
Says "No carols for you!"

The rest of the song is up to you! Add your lyrics in the comments. Good luck!