Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sappy Christmas Song 2010: Good Pastor Wendy Update

So Pastor Wendy, having resisted the temptation to bet on the whippets and make some quick cash for Christmas, righteously decides instead to engage in a "looney charity dunking" (I don't make this stuff up, folks, I just report it...). Can Santa save her from herself? Where will the Christmas cash come from? 
Resisting the temptation to bet on the whippets
Ferrets? Ferrets? Ferrets? Donde esta?

And the choir director? And the youth group? Lots of loose ends here, friends, that need to be tied up in one big sloppy sentimental stanza (or two)!!!

Good Pastor Wendy won't come out
of her little study,
She is feeling very stressed
Her Christmas spirit's cruddy.
Bills stack up  upon her desk,
The choir master quit her.
Church finances are a tangled mess,
Down her cheek there falls a tear.
--Quotidian Grace

Yorkshire-ese Ahead!!

Ey oop Wendy, cheer oop lass,
Thon's bin in worser pickles;
t'snow's piled high so light a fire
let flames yon bills to tickle...
t'choir man he wore tone deaf
of very little merit
Off thee go and have a pint
and play with yonder ferrets

Hello Wendy, cheer up,
things could be worse,
it's very snowy outside so get the fire on -
burn the bills.
the choir master wasn't particularly musical,
nothing to recommend anyway.
Go and have a beer
and play with those ferrets over there instead.]


Pastor Wendy wiped her eyes,
On her Christmas stocking,
Wondering if it could be time,
Just to head out walking.
Could there be another spot,
One less aggravating?
Could it be that she should look,
For a job less ja-aaaa-ding?
--Singing Owl

Wendy left her office cold,
headed for the Starbucks.
"Double-espresso choc-o grande,
with a shot of milk, Chuck !!"
Out the door she strode that day,
sipping on her coffee.
After Christmas, she did say,
another job I'll be seeking.
--Reformed Catholic

Pastor Wendy went downtown
Thought she'd look for presents
Ran into the youth group there
They were planning nonsense
All dressed up like reindeer they
Pranced around the food court
Singing loudly all the day:
Hallelujah Chorus!

From the pet store suddenly
Came the Christmas ferrets
As their cages they did flee
Absconding with some carrots.
Pastor Wendy quickly spied
The youth group chasing after
Shoppers screamed, so horrified
What a big Dis-aaa-ster!!
  -- Quotidian Grace

Pastor's Wendy's thinking
'Bout her days in D-school
All those late-life students
Thought it's fine to switch the rules.
Stops at Borders for a look
Maybe a career change?
Gets herself an L-SAT book
Knows that now she is de-ranged!


Ey-oop lass and hasten quick
T' ferrets have escap-ed
Yonder youth group's in the nick
For their daft-like capers:
Forced 't ferrets into Mall -
They danced around the Yule tree.
Alas thon youth group's all locked up:
Charged with animal cru-el-ty.

Oh gosh, best hurry
the ferrets have escaped.
The youth group have been put into prison:
they were really rather unkind to the wee ferrets
And made them dance around the Christmas tree in the mall.
Alas, the youth group have been locked up
because ferrets are sentient beings and really shouldn't be treated with such disrespect]


Wendy thought about those kids
chasing after polecats.
Wish they had such energy
at Sunday evening youth camp.
I better go and bail them out,
then go call their parents.
So off to the precinct thus she went,
forgetting to buy presents.
--Reformed Catholic

So Wendy went back to the Manse,
turned on her computer.
Amazon, Sears and HSN,
online shopping's easier.
No ferrets running all about,
or shoppers wild expressions.
Christmas wrappings only 3 bucks,
Shipped directly to-oo them.
--Reformed Catholic

Pastor Wendy's debit card
Sadly was rejected.
Her account was overdrawn,
Her balance sheet neglected.
Christmas bonuses were naught
For Wendy or her staff
When she once asked about them,
Everyone did laugh.

Wendy sighed and went to bed,
"Its really time to leave now.
Stewardship is but a joke,
We're spending our reserves low.

Troubled dreams our Wendy had,

tossing all the night long.
Knowing that this Christmas Eve

May not have the he-eat on !!
--Reformed Catholic

The weeks flew by 'fore Christmas Eve,

Wendy was so busy.
Planning Advent services, 
left her in a tizzy.

Still the bills piled up each day,

Wendy was so frantic.
Will there be enough to pay,

for the food bank baskets ??
--Reformed Catholic

Alert Again: More Yorkshirese!

Hearken lass and look'ee here
And stop wit yonder gurnin'
Pop whippet oot o' bath right smart
If wants t'make some earnin's.
Off to 't track gang you 't now
And get that whippet running
One hunnert poon's in't 3'o'clock
And ye'll not lack for fu-un-ding.

Wendy, my sweet little mince pie pay attention
And stop pulling faces.
Go and fetch the whippet from the bath quickly
If you want to make some money.
Go to the track
And make that whippet earn its keep
I suggest you put £100 on it on the race at 3pm -
It's a 'sure thing' and you'll have all the money you need.]


Off to 't track oor Wendy went
to place a bet on't whippet.
"'Eee by 'eck a winning run
would see t' church in credit!"
But conscience is a reet rum thing:
And childer all were looking.
Lightbulb flashed inside her head -
A charity looney dooking...

Wendy went to the track
and was going to gamble rather wantonly.
"Gosh, if the dog wins
our church money problems will be over!"
But it's a bit of a bother when one has an over-active conscience...
And the children were looking - so a bad example.
She had an idea
She'd raise the money for the church via a sponsored jump into icy cold water on New Year's day.]

Poor addled Wendy's looking for
A good wetsuit for the ducking
Else she freezes to the core
And frigid water sucking.
Where is Santa and his sleigh
With a miracle to save her?
Throw all the kiddies' toys away
Shower her with filthy lu-u-cre!
--Quotidian Grace

4th Sunday in Advent comes round,
Wendy is there preaching.
The usual members sit in back,
at least they're not there sleeping.
Old Josh sits in his same seat,
Never misses a Sunday.
Notices that Wendy's not,
preaching in the same way.
--Reformed Catholic


Nik said...

From 't pulpit Wendy spied
Josh gowkin' at her queer-like;
Saw his eyes bulge further wide
at entrance of the youth tykes.
Christmas ferrets all rushed in -
Oor Wendy saw Josh sof'nin'
as tykes 'n ferrets pranced aboot
gathrin in t'off'ring.

Advent weeks flew by reet quick,
Grand crowds they'd all been gath'rin' -
Drawn in by't ferrets wondrous tricks
In't services in't evenin's.
Collection plates were fillin' fast -
So thon'on's passed round flat caps.
't ferrets proved a cunning wheeze
For building up a ti-dy stash.

From her pulpit, Wendy noticed
Josh looking at her somewhat oddly.
His eyes then grew the size of dinner plates
as the youth group entered the church.
The Christmas ferrets then rushed in
And Josh's heart was strangely warmed
as he looked upon the charming scene of ferrets and youths working in wonderful harmony,
collecting the offering.

As is usual, Advent flew by ridiculously fast;
The church was packed with huge crowds,
desirous of seeing the wonderful performing ferrets
in the evening services.
The offerings were so multidunious they filled up the plates to optimum capacity;
to ensure all had the opportunity to give, the ferrets and youths passed around stereotyipical Yorkhire headgear amongst the gathered crowd.
Truly, the idea of using the ferrets was an ingenious one
And it appeared the church cash crisis might possibly be averted]

Nik said...

well, I would hate to leave dangling threads.... ;)
I feel my work is done here:
over to you all to bring this baby home :D

Quotidian Grace said...

Just brilliant once again! Not sure there's any more anyone can add to our little opus.

Nik said...

oh surely a happy ending with ferrets and whippets and the youth group leading the church in cheerful songs on Christmas Eve? Wendy's cynicism and jadedness being transformed into joy and wonder once more... And what about the mysterious Chuck at Starbuck's - romance possibilities for Wendy in the New Year? Go on, you know you want to :)

ceemac said...

seems like some regular contributors are missing this year. Where's PresbyterianGal?

Quotidian Grace said...

I've been wondering the same thing. Presbyterian Gal where are you????

Reformed Catholic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Reformed Catholic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Reformed Catholic said...

OK Nik, here's for you:

Wendy was on top of the world,
-- pastoring's no chore now.
Chuck's attending Worship now,
they're meeting after at Starbucks.
Walking together, hand in hand.
Wendy wasn't dreaming.
Advent's ending turned out to be,
better than its begin-in-ng.

The Candlelight Service on Christmas Eve,
echoed with joyous singing.
Frozen Chosen no longer they --
the candles lit the ceiling.
Wendy stayed another year,
married Chuck soon after.
So this story tries to end
with happily ever after.


I'm not sure if it should end or not. If someone else has a better ending, please post.