Friday, December 12, 2008

Sappy Christmas Song 2008--Santa Needs a Bailout, Too

Gentle Readers, it is finished! Reformed Catholic provided the perfect closing stanzas to our song and I couldn't resist adding a stanza of my own.

QG's Sappy Christmas Song 2008 Awards will be posted Monday morning. Many thanks to all who participated this year!

And now, let's sing it all together...and a one and a two and a three:

Santa Needs a Bailout, Too

(Tune: O Christmas Tree or Tannenbaum)

It’s the eleventh hour on Christmas Eve,

the north pole stars are all a’twinkle.
But Santa Claus just looks like hell

as he wishes for Rip Van Winkle.
He lost all his operating capital
trusting CFO elves Fannie and Freddy.
Paulson turned him down with an evil sneer
Now at midnight he won’t be ready!

Oh, Citibank, oh Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

The other elves have gone on strike

Because he cannot pay them.

There's no more food the reindeer like
How will he ever feed them?

And Mrs. Claus is crying there

In a big heap upon the stair

Oh Citibank, oh Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

Santa's credit line, is all used up
he has no recourse waiting.
The picket line is keeping his

deliveries from mailing.

The Teamsters will not cross the line,

it looks like its scab hiring time.

Oh, Citibank, oh Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

Fred forgot to winterize
Santa’s sleigh this season,
The reins are stuck, the seats are cracked,
the runners they are freezin’.
De-icing fluid we can’t find

because of strikes at the potash mine,
O Santa sleigh, filled with gifts, you ain’t going nowhere.

Oh, Citibank, oh Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

Oh, orders from the USA,
They surely are a-tumblin’.

The kiddies and their parents, too,

Have taken to a-grumblin’.
Transferred jobs to cheaper elves,
And bank accounts now gone to…well,

Ol’ Nick had better recognize

Out-sourcin’ can be humblin’.

Oh, Citibank, oh Citibank
My 401 is failing!

So Santa took a ride to buy
A drink to numb his noggin
But he drove by a cheesy sight
And soon he was a sobbin'
In someone's yard, quite full of snow,
He saw a sight that made him slow
Cash overflowed from a leather bag
after a meth house's bust forgot that swag.

O Citibank, O Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

Now Santa's hired laid off folks,
to deliver all the gifts
Though the elves suits were not their size,
And not a comfy fit.
By noon on Christmas Day now,
Santa's sipping brandied hot choc-o-late,
Flipping through the MLS,
looking for retirement real estate.

O Citibank, O Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

That great old tune, O Tannebaum,
is ringing through the city
Its Christmas Day, and while kids play,
Mrs Santa says, "no self-pity !!"
Get on that Sleigh, and head due south,
To Washington and get bailed out.

O Citibank, O Citibank,
My 401 is failing!

With Santa waiting on his bailout,
We're all left to shop at Walmart
Moms tell their kids "without a doubt,
your grand dreams you'll have to part.
With our all savings down the tubes,
Expect no more Wiis or Game Cubes.

O Citibank, O Citibank,
My 401 is failing! usual
What else is new in D.C.
Concessions here, obfuscation there,
Another day in D.C.!
So Santa waits another hour
While kids expect a Lego tower.

O Citibank, O Citibank
My 401 is failing!
Santa's not giving up with out a flight.
Rudolph is dispatched into the night,
To seek pecuniary relief
From the Fed Reserve's chairman in chief.
Bernacke's the man who has the clout
To save Santa's ride without a doubt!
O Citibank, O Citibank
My 401 is failing!

So Santa gets his bailout cash
And North Pole, Inc. is working!
And Mrs. Claus is busy in
The kitchen baking cookies
Their retirement plans, they've put away
He needs to work another day.

O Citibank, O Citibank
My 401 is failing!

So as we gather Christmas Eve
Let's think of those less lucky.
And Him who made lame beggars walk,
The blind see, the dumb talk.
Good will toward men* (KJV)
The angels sang.
Glory to God, sing it every day!

O Citibank, O Citibank,
My 401 is failing!


Reformed Catholic said...

Minor nitpik ... don't mean to be un-toward, but please remove one toward in the "Good will toward men" line ;)

Quotidian Grace said...

Fixed it! Thanks for catching the typo in our opus....

Presbyterian Gal said...

Now THAT's a satisfying carol for this year!! Soon as my computer's better I'm gonna print it out and put it with "Pets Need Christmas Too".

Mac said...

Well, RC did a pretty good job, but I feel sort of like David Allen Coe must have felt when Steve Goodman sent him the first draft of "(You Don't Have To Call Me Darlin', Darlin') You Never Even Called Me By My Name", describing it as "the perfect country and western song."

As we all know, David Allen wrote back, asking how it could be "the perfect country and western song when it never mentioned mama and trains and trucks and prison and gettin' drunk"?

Of course, we are all thankful that Steve took pen in hand and wrote the perfect ending, starting with that classically wistful intro, "I was drunk the day my Mom got out of prison...."

Likewise, none of us have mentioned faulty nose lights, pathetic drummer boys, Who's and Grinches, and, well, trains.

Oh sure, you sneaked in some of that miracle stuff that provides salvation, but who wants to be bothered by that when there is stuff to be sold?

So, maybe, just maybe, we can find time for the verse that will, once and for all, turn out "the perfect sappy Christmas song."

In the meantime, "I'll hang around as long as you will let me. I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me Darlin', Darlin'. You never even called me by my name."

And RC--for shame. "Un-toward"? She who would pun would pick a pocket!"

Quotidian Grace said...

Although it is hard to beat "I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison...", Mac, you make a good point.

Next year we'll just have the Christmas song contest and forget trying to be sappy!

Reformed Catholic said...

OK ..

Santa woke on Christmas Eve
hungover like a sailor,
Mrs Claus was thrown in Jail,
for DUI test failure
Claus drank up all the bailout cash
and Rudolph smoked his entire stash

Oh woe is me OH woe is me
They repo'd my double wide trailer.


Quotidian Grace said...

Fabulous, RC! You rose to Mac's challenge! I'll update the song...

Bill said...

Here's a similar song: Santa Needs a Bailout for Christmas!